We Don’t Spike the Ball




Even in an age when leftist wrong-headedness, ignorance, focus on irrelevance, wishful thinking, and downright stupidity has seemingly turned every concept, meme, thought, idea, or standard on its head, how abysmally ignorant of simile and metaphor does one have to be to say TO AMERICANS, “We don’t spike the ball.”

Gib mir ein frickin’ brech!

We. Spike. The. Ball. This is the LAND of We Spike the Ball. We invented spiking the ball, first in high school gym class everybody-rotate volleyball games, and then on the field of serious play, the gridiron, home of REAL football, where only the lowliest specialist actually kicks the ball, not the metrosexual, Jheri Curled-and-cologned, final-score-of-nil-nil-in-a-global-tournament swaydo-balletic game that the losers of the world like to call football, but is really named sucker.

We smashed our way through several tons of defensive linemen, marched our way down the metaphorical muddy field, dove across the goal line, and you fucking BETCHA,


And when the mere spiking of the ball wasn’t intense enough, wasn’t IN YOUR FACE enough, when merely stealing second called for SLIDING INTO second, when drinking a glass of milk became spraying champagne around the entire winner’s circle, when broken glass backboards just wouldn’t CUT it for grinding your enemies’ faces in the dust (und hearingk da lamentation uff da wimmen), we created the End Zone Dance. The Lambeau Leap. Billy “White Shoes” Johnson and the Chicken Dance. The Atlanta Falcons’ Dirty Bird. The Icky Shuffle.

We don’t spike the ball. Yerass.

This is addressed to that imposter in the White House: Who the fuck are you and what did you do with our real American President?

You better be ready, Freddy, ’cause when he gets back, he’s gonna be pissed. It’ll be ON like the Second Coming of Chuck Norris. And then we’ll see who doesn’t spike the ball. So pack your bags.

To quote The Real King of France: “USA! UAS! USA!”

Re-posted at Eternity Road

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